We broke up under the condition that we would each seek counseling. He did not keep his end of the bargain.

"My boyfriend invited me back to his place after we had broken up and told me that he had no intention of seeing a therapist because I was the one with the problem." Xing Che said sobbing. "I honestly thought he was going to say that we were getting back together."

"I started seeing a therapist because we had both agreed that we each had anger issues. He also had childhood trauma that was coming off in our relationship as anger and insecurities. So, we both decided to find our own therapists, then we would get back together."

Xing Che was tearful as she narrated how devastated she was to find out that her boyfriend never had any intention of trying to work on their relationship in the first place. "My boyfriend deceived me."

Xing Che needed to work on herself first. It would make sense that they both identified issues within their relationship. However, if Xing Che had problems with insecurity, it would spill over into every aspect of her life.

First, Xing Che had to figure out who she was and what she wanted out of life. We had to draw from her childhood memories, and screen for any trauma or risk factor(s).

As Xing Che worked through the discovery of her self, she learned that she was constantly angry with her boyfriend and was always instigating a fight between the two of them. Xing Che realized that she was not happy that things did not seem to be perfect in their relationship and she was constantly comparing her relationship to what she had seen in her mother's relationship with her stepfather. It appeared as though Xing Che was looking for perfection.

Then, Xing Che was able to discover that her boyfriend was constantly indirectly letting her know that she was not "measuring up." She had never learned to cook and clean and he would constantly leave things lying around when he visited her in her home. She said that he sometimes called her "dirty." He would also tell her that he preferred her hair short all the time. If it grew out a little, he would say something. He also chose the only type of lipstick that she could wear. He bought it for her.

Xing Che had to figure out if she wanted to continue to allow herself to be controlled in a relationship. In fact, she was not aware that there was a bit of control issues there.

The process of self exploration.

• Try Mindfulness: Stop and pay attention to your thoughts and what you may say at every given time. You don't say, "I am stupid." You stop negative thoughts and think through what made you think that way. You learn not to judge yourself.

• Practice Self care: Breakthroughs tend to happen when one is on vacation or in a moment of peace by themselves, than at work. Self care looks different to each person. Take that time to do something that you enjoy to give yourself permission to relax.

• Find out the person that you are NOT: How do you define yourself? Does your past, culture, religion, family, upbringing have a lot to do with who you are? What is truly you and what is the part of you that is defined by all of these? If you are defined by these things, are you able to discover the person that you are not? This takes time and can clearly assist you in finding out why they influence you.

• Own who you are: We tend to wear masks in certain situations. For example, on a first date, we put on our best features and represent ourselves in a great way to create a good first impression. With time, our guard is let down and the real flaws start to show. Show yourself at all times and own who you are.

• You are enough: Be your authentic self. When you stay true to who you actually are, you learn that nothing can bring you down. When you act authentically, you are also acting in the best interests of everyone around you, because you care more about the right things.
  

Xing Che was in therapy to satisfy her boyfriend and the expectations of the relationship moving forward. It was not because she felt like she needed to work on herself for her. If her boyfriend had gone to therapy and decided to continue with the relationship, it would probably have been for the wrong reasons. Eventually, the issues will still be there because each person had not taken the time to explore the reasons why they both had anger issues.

The statement "My boyfriend deceived me" goes into another avenue of exploration. Did he deceive you because he did not go into therapy? Has he deceived you in other ways? What does "deceived" look like to you?

With assistance in learning new tools while looking at how her relationship benefited her, Xing Che will have a better understanding of how her actions played a role in her relationship with her boyfriend.

What are your thoughts? Leave a comment down below.

Names have been changed to protect the client